GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
You Might Also Like
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
scrabbled eggs
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.