Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
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My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
So the ex texted me
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing