Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
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Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi