Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 馃槼
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
*making a phone call* please don鈥檛 pick up please don鈥檛 pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
We’ve all been there…
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn鈥檛 even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we鈥檒l probably eventually evolve to fly.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband鈥檚 mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
WIFE: I鈥檓 pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I鈥檓 kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
If there鈥檚 a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don鈥檛 define us
Me: Like Spanx
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl