If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
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My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
They must have gotten it to go.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree