GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who鈥檚 cleaned his bathroom I wish he鈥檇 use them too.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I鈥檓 the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who鈥檚 doing it.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Don鈥檛 be alarmed,
you鈥檙e not a clock.
They鈥檙e the worst 馃槱
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don鈥檛 know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My Guy
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I鈥檓 preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks