Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors