“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this