Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
S/o to @funTweeters .
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”