Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me