[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Breaking news:
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol