[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Monday Lisa
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”