“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
me and who
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!