rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.