Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
(yawn)
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
🤣✨#caturday
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry