Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5