*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
incredible book dedication
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*