*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.