Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
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Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
this FaceApp is creepy af
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
dutch so unserious
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!