My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’