Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You Might Also Like
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.