my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.