The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
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[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over