When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Lmao
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?