wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?