[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Not recommended for beginners.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
❤️❤️❤️
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.