Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.