6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
You Might Also Like
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Get in loser we’re going crying
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.