There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
The days of good grammer has went
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.