“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
You Might Also Like
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.