Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
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I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
how long have you had this for?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Bobby pin
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.