Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
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” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down