By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.