Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars