Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life