WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy