I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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Ovenable?
Finished stitching this today 😇
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Breaking news:
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything