“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
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“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.