Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting