Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Kids, do not try this at home!
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I have two kinds of followers
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.