“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
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Happy Febuary everyone!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
this FaceApp is creepy af
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.