Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?