The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.