Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*