My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight