My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
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Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I never needed anything more in my life
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Those are good neighbors.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming