What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person