therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
love it when they get my name right
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Waiting for the Charmin
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.