All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Every damn time
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge