Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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Chemical wingman
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.